There is something in the air.

A switch just went off in my head again. Maybe its an off day, maybe I'm feeling drab, but what I'm really feeling is like not liking anyone. Why the hot and cold?

There is an ever present festering thought...mostly way in the back of my head, but it likes to creep up. I can't even explain it, voice it, or share it without feeling like a total fool. So I won't tell you all about it, but I will tell you how it feels.

Its a haunting feeling, like something I was wronged about, that may not have been as big a deal as it seemed then. It comes back and irks me. It enters my dreams and leaves me feeling angry. After years, I have surpassed it and moved on. It came back and I felt in control. And now that I've moved on again, it haunts me again. The anger, the pride, the longing to eradicate it from my life. And yet I can't.

My horoscope today says that I should "let go," and I've tried. Tried and tried again. But it doesn't go away. Can someone or something scar you so much that it just embeds itself into your psyche for the rest of your life? Can I not erase it? Make it go away? Get some kind of closure? I thought the closure was gotten? I feel like a fool for feeling the way I feel. Its funny how you can be scared by someone/something and them or it not ever acknowledge it or know that it was ever that bad? It eats me up inside and I have no outlet. I shouldn't need an outlet.

Perhaps it is a way for me to keep myself from ever being happy? Is this the most emo post I have ever posted or what? I'll never explain what it is I'm feeling, because its silly to feel in the first place. I should be happy with myself, I should be moving on and moving up. I am. But this looming presence in the back of my mind. It won't go away. Always getting in the way. No matter what I do, I can't push it out.

Sigh. I think I just want to be happy.